oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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