Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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