I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize