she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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