i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
