my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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