Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
