sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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