This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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