I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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