I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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