I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize