Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
