i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
