I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I have demons in me.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
