No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
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