so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize