stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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