i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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