I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize