last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
