I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
