anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
