She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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