Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
