I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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