Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
