Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize