there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
