Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize