i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
you will always have a special place in my vag
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
