I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
