i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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