i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
