Your face is a jimmy john
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
