When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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