No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
