i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
