I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
