This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
