I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Randomize
