She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My penis needs a shock collar
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
