How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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