i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
