My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
this hospital has no fireball
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
