i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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