i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
