Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
