I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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