Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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