Can i not drive my cunt home
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
