hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
