roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize