see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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