If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
