My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
