bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
