3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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