I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
