I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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